Grieving the Life I Imagined, and Embracing the One I Have
By Allison Westrup Pianka, CEO and Co Founder, MyPath
When we’re growing up, we all have a vision of what our life will look like one day – the milestone moments we’ll achieve, the family we’ll build, where we’ll live, how we’ll define success. Growing up in Westport, I very much wanted to become “someone” from a young age. I was very aware of what could be achieved with hard work and determination – values my parents live, breathe, and instilled in me. With their encouragement & motivation to face every fear and challenge head on, I optimistically fantasized about the trajectory of my own life. How I’d excel in college, in a masters program, climb every rung on the corporate ladder, eventually become a CEO, and much more. I wanted to lead and shatter glass ceilings as a woman. I had a direction, and for many years, I was right on track to accomplish all that I had imagined for myself. Excelling in college & leadership roles, thriving in the high-pressure corporate environment at Bridgewater Associates, achieving my MBA with high honors. It was invigorating.
Then I became a mom. Then a single mom. And then shortly after her third birthday, my daughter, Hannah, was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
My new life
Quickly, the life I’d imagined, worked so hard for, and was on track to achieve, went from being my reality back to being just a fantasy. It was, and sometimes still is, incredibly painful to let go of the future self I once so looked forward to becoming. And to be honest, there are days where I feel an overwhelming sense of loss and even failure. Grief is a process, and it’s certainly not a linear one.
In the three years since Hannah’s diagnosis, my vision for my life has changed drastically. The truth is that while these years have been marked with many moments of desperation, uncertainty, and sadness, they’ve also been beautiful – and perhaps representative of the biggest personal growth of my entire life. I am different, and in many ways, I owe so much to my daughter.
While there are so many challenges that come with being a single parent to a child with special needs, being Hannah’s mom has opened my eyes to the world and to people in a way that I’m not sure would’ve happened without her. I’ve been forced to re-evaluate my life, my view of people and the world, and my definition of success. And, I’m glad. My eyes are open now, when I didn’t know they’d ever been closed.
Through the seismic shifts that have occurred in recent years, my priorities have changed drastically. I no longer define success with dollar signs or the idea of a corner office. Now, I embrace the idea of success as showing up, being an advocate, spreading love, and creating real impact. It’s a vision for a life that is greater than one person, and has the power to positively impact many – including my own daughter. I don’t judge people the way I once did, but rather lead with understanding, empathy, and humor.
who I am today
I am Hannah’s mom, first and foremost, and today I embrace the vision of the mom I want and need to be for her. We face challenges together every day. I’ve gone to bat for her at school, dealt with outbursts at home, had to navigate the needs of all family members (including my parents and siblings) who have shown up to help us both even in the most difficult times, and lost traditional corporate job opportunities due to difficulties securing regular childcare. But, guess what? These challenges have forced me to get creative – to think about what I need and what Hannah needs, in the moments I feel most lost, and use my business mind to brainstorm solutions.
My sense of purpose today is so much bigger than I could’ve ever imagined. MyPath is for Hannah, it’s for me, and it’s for all of the people living with ASD and their families, to find connection, achieve their highest potential, and embrace their lives. I no longer think of anything in black and white terms, because the beautiful reality is that life is a spectrum. Understanding, respecting, and celebrating differences is how I plan to change the world, and I’m fully embracing it.
